Jul 6, 2011
Jul 5, 2011
Boobs, titties, norks and pendulums.
I wonder what it's like to have big boobs?
All I ever hear about from women with big boobs is how problematic they are. I suspect this is only because they feel sorry for me.
Not sure they should bother.
"Oh, it's really awful. Guys always talk to my boobs and not to my face"
Diddums you silly bitch. Maybe if you didn't wear a low cut top with that massive cleavage they would look somewhere else? Give them a break. Even I cant help looking at that!!!
Then the next statement goes like this...
"I bought this top and its really annoying. It keeps riding down and showing my tits"
That's right chickadee.... it's a low cut top and your large pendulums are going to wiggle around and gravity is in action.
"And then I have to keep pulling it up"
and wiggling your tits???????
Then there is the sleep story...
"Oh, it's so horrible. My tits are so big I wake up in the middle of the night with my tits under my armpit and I am squashing them"
OW! That actually sounds painful.
Then there's the girls with the huge norks that tell me...
"You are so SKINNY! Maybe you should see someone about your anorexia"
Jezzus! I am not anorexic. I love food. I just burn up energy jumping around because I am not worrying about my tits.
Imagine if I said....
"You are so FAT! Maybe you should see someone about your eating problem"
FARK... I'd go down like a ton of bricks.
So what would I be like with big boobusses?
I have to admit, that it could be kind of fun.
The mind does boggle.
Apr 29, 2011
Wanker Beer
After feasting your eyes on this illustrious beer bottle label one would be excused to conclude that this is the perfect beer for the habitual wanker. However, I was disappointed to learn after buying a bottle that the joke was lost on my american friends and that they didn't understand why I was laughing so goddam hard that tears were running down my cheeks. I was advised not to buy it given it is not very nice beer. But I did of course and drinking it I could not help wonder if anyone had spoofed into it at some point in the production. People from the antipodes simply cant drink this beer without having these kind of thoughts, and I am not entirely convinced that Mr Wanker of the Wanker Beer Brewing Company is completely in the dark over this.... just check out this video.
Best comment to the video would have to be "I'm a wanker and I drink beer".
Well guess what mate? So do I, but not at the same time.
Mar 22, 2011
Well then, why don’t you just piss off then!
On the weekend I was driving home and saw a sign that said ...
Psychic Fair, 6 April, Town Hall.
....and it occurred to me that if they were really psychic they wouldn’t need a bloody sign. They would just know it was on.
This reminds me of the number of times people have told me that I am clairvoyant, but I suspect they are just getting confused with my name.
... and how about this one?
“What star sign are you?”
“Aries”
“Ah!!! That explains everything!”
Really? What does it explain apart from the fact that I am born somewhere between this date and that?
Does it explain the overuse of the word experimental by bands playing 4/4 beat who think they are really out there when they aren't? I don't think so. Does it explain why my tits hurt today? Somehow I doubt it. I could clearly go on and on here so I will refrain....
Does it explain the overuse of the word experimental by bands playing 4/4 beat who think they are really out there when they aren't? I don't think so. Does it explain why my tits hurt today? Somehow I doubt it. I could clearly go on and on here so I will refrain....
The most annoying part about this exclamation "That explains everything" is that these people usually refuse to tell me what they think it explains and often go on to tell me that they don’t really get along with Aries very well and are not compatible with them.
“If you are going to be like that with everyone that tells you they are Aries I am not fucking surprised!”
Jan 20, 2011
Tits and testicles
Someone asked me the other day if my boobs were saggy and I am pleased to report that the answer is no. I explained that they passed the pencil test. That's where you place a pencil under your tit and if it stays.... saggy tits. Admittedly I dont have big ones, but they are actually a size B which is bigger than I would have expected given I was probably AAA at age 18. In fact they seem to keep growing albeit very slowly, and one seems to be growing faster than the other one which gives me an excuse to play with them, not that I need one.
I do recall being called ironing board at high school. Ironically this was by the girls whose tits were super saggy at age 16. These were the girls that the guys would go "Cor! She's alright!" over. Little did they know that her over the shoulder boulder holders were working hard to keep them off her stomach, and from what I accidently copped an eye full of in the school pool change room, were not a pretty sight. Nipples at the bottom of the hang and stretch marks.
In response to the incessant bullying I made a badge that I wore on my uniform that proudly stated "flat not fat". That shut them up but also got me sent to the head office.
I finally escaped the wrath of bogan high school bitches and went on to do better things like play with rams balls. You see when I got to uni we had a lab class with rams. I was reminded of these pendulous boob items in the form of rams balls. Hot rams balls, not cold ones. You see we had to conduct an experiment where a tubular cloth bag was tied around the rams balls at one end and a blow heater on the other. To top it all off was a thermometer firmly shoved up the rams arse. This scientific endeavour involved measuring the likely impact of temperature on a ram's fertility and on their ability to keep their body temperature low in summer heat. We also had a ruler to measure how well hung the rams were. Then we constructed a graph of our results.
The findings were that the better hung the rams were the better they were able to keep their body temperature at optimum conditions, and also the more likley the sperm count would be high.
So there you go guys. Stop measuring the length of your dick and start measuring how well hung you are. It may well be more important.
I do recall being called ironing board at high school. Ironically this was by the girls whose tits were super saggy at age 16. These were the girls that the guys would go "Cor! She's alright!" over. Little did they know that her over the shoulder boulder holders were working hard to keep them off her stomach, and from what I accidently copped an eye full of in the school pool change room, were not a pretty sight. Nipples at the bottom of the hang and stretch marks.
In response to the incessant bullying I made a badge that I wore on my uniform that proudly stated "flat not fat". That shut them up but also got me sent to the head office.
I finally escaped the wrath of bogan high school bitches and went on to do better things like play with rams balls. You see when I got to uni we had a lab class with rams. I was reminded of these pendulous boob items in the form of rams balls. Hot rams balls, not cold ones. You see we had to conduct an experiment where a tubular cloth bag was tied around the rams balls at one end and a blow heater on the other. To top it all off was a thermometer firmly shoved up the rams arse. This scientific endeavour involved measuring the likely impact of temperature on a ram's fertility and on their ability to keep their body temperature low in summer heat. We also had a ruler to measure how well hung the rams were. Then we constructed a graph of our results.
The findings were that the better hung the rams were the better they were able to keep their body temperature at optimum conditions, and also the more likley the sperm count would be high.
So there you go guys. Stop measuring the length of your dick and start measuring how well hung you are. It may well be more important.
Jan 17, 2011
Jan 10, 2011
Talking about sex with girls
Actually I think it might be more grammatically correct to say "Talking with girls about sex". Sex with girls would be a different topic, but being a girl maybe the title "Talking about sex with girls" might intrigue you more. But that is not today's topic.
Boys talk about sex all the time. According to researchers the average male turns their thoughts to sexual intercourse 13 times a day – a total of 4,745 times every year. In comparison, women think about sex just five times day – or 1,825 times a year, which is reasonably often.
Being a bit of a tom boy from way back I have heard alot of male conversations about sex, and I am sure that I have heard the more R rated versions.... not XXX, but it's not very often that I have heard women, apart from my closest female friends talk frankly about sex.
One such occassion when women I vaguely knew were talking about sex was some years ago when I was working for a city council. It was one of those around the water cooler staff room conversations.
There she was in all her glory.... tall, gorgeous, blonde, perfectly shaped bottom, ample tits, tight fitting clothes. To put it bluntly every teenage boys wet dream. We will call her Babe.
Anyway, here was Babe lamenting about her unsatisfying sex life. Her boyfriend, who was a looker in a beef cake no brain kind of a way, was unable to bring her to orgasm. She certainly had alot to say about his inadequacies. She asked for my advice. I was a bit taken aback, cos she hardly ever even looked at me. So I made some suggestions on what they could do. Babe insisted that they had tried it all.
OK... how about telling him what you do to make yourself come when you mastabate?
She insisted that she didn't "do that". That is was "disgusting". Of course I didn't believe her but she was insistent. Turns out that she had never had an orgasm in her whole 27 years.
Now fellas, I know what you are thinking. How could that possibly be true. However, I then learned that 3 of the six women in the group claimed not to wank.
You are kidding me?
Nope.
OK..... so you want your boyfriend to do all the work then?
Yes Babe does. It's his job evidently.
So I pointed out that if she cant bring herself to orgasm what chance has her boyfriend got? Diddly squat I'd say!
Well, listen up nerdy indies guys. Next time you are drooling over some hot babe... you are wasting your time. 1) She only likes beef cakes, 2) it will be lame, and 3) she will make you feel inadequate and you will start questioning your manhood.
Boys talk about sex all the time. According to researchers the average male turns their thoughts to sexual intercourse 13 times a day – a total of 4,745 times every year. In comparison, women think about sex just five times day – or 1,825 times a year, which is reasonably often.
Being a bit of a tom boy from way back I have heard alot of male conversations about sex, and I am sure that I have heard the more R rated versions.... not XXX, but it's not very often that I have heard women, apart from my closest female friends talk frankly about sex.
One such occassion when women I vaguely knew were talking about sex was some years ago when I was working for a city council. It was one of those around the water cooler staff room conversations.
There she was in all her glory.... tall, gorgeous, blonde, perfectly shaped bottom, ample tits, tight fitting clothes. To put it bluntly every teenage boys wet dream. We will call her Babe.
Anyway, here was Babe lamenting about her unsatisfying sex life. Her boyfriend, who was a looker in a beef cake no brain kind of a way, was unable to bring her to orgasm. She certainly had alot to say about his inadequacies. She asked for my advice. I was a bit taken aback, cos she hardly ever even looked at me. So I made some suggestions on what they could do. Babe insisted that they had tried it all.
OK... how about telling him what you do to make yourself come when you mastabate?
She insisted that she didn't "do that". That is was "disgusting". Of course I didn't believe her but she was insistent. Turns out that she had never had an orgasm in her whole 27 years.
Now fellas, I know what you are thinking. How could that possibly be true. However, I then learned that 3 of the six women in the group claimed not to wank.
You are kidding me?
Nope.
OK..... so you want your boyfriend to do all the work then?
Yes Babe does. It's his job evidently.
So I pointed out that if she cant bring herself to orgasm what chance has her boyfriend got? Diddly squat I'd say!
Well, listen up nerdy indies guys. Next time you are drooling over some hot babe... you are wasting your time. 1) She only likes beef cakes, 2) it will be lame, and 3) she will make you feel inadequate and you will start questioning your manhood.
Jan 2, 2011
Dangerous cougars in the local dog park
Dog parks are supposed to be places of relaxation and tranquility. A place to peacefully walk your dog.
My local dog park has become a den of iniquity. Just last week I almost trod on a large dog poo. This was no ordinary poo. The local council had failed to supply doggy bags to pick up doggy business for two weeks running and some sicperson person had taken it upon themselves to collect up poop and mould it into a large sculpture of a dick and balls. I am still trying to picture who may have done this. Did they collect up the poop or was it from a dog the size of a horse?
Today there was stolen bike. Mongoose trick bike. I thought about bringing it home but I cant be bothered fixing the flat tyres. A couple of weeks ago some men rocked up in a bogan car and running right out of the car a man was escaping from the other passengers. In a ditch on the other side two men proceeded to pummel the fleeing passenger. When questioned by park goers and threatened with a call to the cops, they all raced back to the car and drove off... including the pummelee. One can only speculate what was going on here. Maybe he slept with his brother's wife?
Drug dealers do deals in the car park, and the locals seem none the wiser about it. Kids tag the BBQ and cook what ever they can find on it. I dont think I will ever eat off a public BBQ ever again.
But the most frightening thing of all at little dog park is the cougar pack. This group of single women in love with their pampered pooches is the scariest of all. They tend of congregate in a gang in the middle of the park surrounded by their (non)vicious beasts who are bored out of their brains because they actually want to go for a walk. "Arf arf arf" they go.... falling on deaf ears that want to trap you into their conversations about internet dating and the injustices of ex-husbands and their new girlfriends. "I only got the small house" "I wanted the family car not the runabout"..... AAAHHH!!!
I was trapped by them yesterday as I tried to skirt around the perimeter. They all wanted to know what I did for new years. So for once I told them the truth.... saw the sunset, let off some fireworks in an enclosed space, got home at noon.... they didn't seem to know quite how to respond. Maybe they will leave me alone now.
However, if you are a single middle aged lonely man wanting to get laid then I suggest you borrow dog and go for a walk. Beware though.... it might cost you.
My local dog park has become a den of iniquity. Just last week I almost trod on a large dog poo. This was no ordinary poo. The local council had failed to supply doggy bags to pick up doggy business for two weeks running and some sicperson person had taken it upon themselves to collect up poop and mould it into a large sculpture of a dick and balls. I am still trying to picture who may have done this. Did they collect up the poop or was it from a dog the size of a horse?
Today there was stolen bike. Mongoose trick bike. I thought about bringing it home but I cant be bothered fixing the flat tyres. A couple of weeks ago some men rocked up in a bogan car and running right out of the car a man was escaping from the other passengers. In a ditch on the other side two men proceeded to pummel the fleeing passenger. When questioned by park goers and threatened with a call to the cops, they all raced back to the car and drove off... including the pummelee. One can only speculate what was going on here. Maybe he slept with his brother's wife?
Drug dealers do deals in the car park, and the locals seem none the wiser about it. Kids tag the BBQ and cook what ever they can find on it. I dont think I will ever eat off a public BBQ ever again.
But the most frightening thing of all at little dog park is the cougar pack. This group of single women in love with their pampered pooches is the scariest of all. They tend of congregate in a gang in the middle of the park surrounded by their (non)vicious beasts who are bored out of their brains because they actually want to go for a walk. "Arf arf arf" they go.... falling on deaf ears that want to trap you into their conversations about internet dating and the injustices of ex-husbands and their new girlfriends. "I only got the small house" "I wanted the family car not the runabout"..... AAAHHH!!!
I was trapped by them yesterday as I tried to skirt around the perimeter. They all wanted to know what I did for new years. So for once I told them the truth.... saw the sunset, let off some fireworks in an enclosed space, got home at noon.... they didn't seem to know quite how to respond. Maybe they will leave me alone now.
However, if you are a single middle aged lonely man wanting to get laid then I suggest you borrow dog and go for a walk. Beware though.... it might cost you.
Jan 1, 2011
My wings are like a shield of steel
He punched her in the head
And she laughed furiously
He held a mirror to her face and she cried
Sometimes he scared her
And not because of any threat of violence or abuse
But because he held a mirror to her face
And made her take a long hard look at wrinkles and flaws
She looked closely at him
She could see things in him
That were also in her
Making her both sad and angry
No men were like him
No women like her
They were two beautiful creatures
She said
Your bullets cannot harm me
My wings are like a shield of steel
And she laughed furiously
He held a mirror to her face and she cried
Sometimes he scared her
And not because of any threat of violence or abuse
But because he held a mirror to her face
And made her take a long hard look at wrinkles and flaws
She looked closely at him
She could see things in him
That were also in her
Making her both sad and angry
No men were like him
No women like her
They were two beautiful creatures
She said
Your bullets cannot harm me
My wings are like a shield of steel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)