Dangerous cougars in the local dog park

Dog parks are supposed to be places of relaxation and tranquility. A place to peacefully walk your dog.

My local dog park has become a den of iniquity. Just last week I almost trod on a large dog poo. This was no ordinary poo. The local council had failed to supply doggy bags to pick up doggy business for two weeks running and some sicperson person had taken it upon themselves to collect up poop and mould it into a large sculpture of a dick and balls. I am still trying to picture who may have done this. Did they collect up the poop or was it from a dog the size of a horse?

Today there was stolen bike. Mongoose trick bike. I thought about bringing it home but I cant be bothered fixing the flat tyres. A couple of weeks ago some men rocked up in a bogan car and running right out of the car a man was escaping from the other passengers. In a ditch on the other side two men proceeded to pummel the fleeing passenger. When questioned by park goers and threatened with a call to the cops, they all raced back to the car and drove off... including the pummelee. One can only speculate what was going on here. Maybe he slept with his brother's wife?

Drug dealers do deals in the car park, and the locals seem none the wiser about it. Kids tag the BBQ and cook what ever they can find on it. I dont think I will ever eat off a public BBQ ever again.

But the most frightening thing of all at little dog park is the cougar pack. This group of single women in love with their pampered pooches is the scariest of all. They tend of congregate in a gang in the middle of the park surrounded by their (non)vicious beasts who are bored out of their brains because they actually want to go for a walk. "Arf arf arf" they go.... falling on deaf ears that want to trap you into their conversations about internet dating and the injustices of ex-husbands and their new girlfriends. "I only got the small house" "I wanted the family car not the runabout"..... AAAHHH!!!

I was trapped by them yesterday as I tried to skirt around the perimeter. They all wanted to know what I did for new years. So for once I told them the truth.... saw the sunset, let off some fireworks in an enclosed space, got home at noon.... they didn't seem to know quite how to respond. Maybe they will leave me alone now.

However, if you are a single middle aged lonely man wanting to get laid then I suggest you borrow dog and go for a walk. Beware though.... it might cost you.