tongue in cheek and foot in mouth


Mar 15, 2018

PTSD is not cool

As person with PTSD I have started to question if it is currently fashionable to claim to have it. Facebook is full of CWs (content warnings) and TWs (Trigger warnings) for all sorts of things deemed possibly triggering.

I usually read these regardless and rarely do they trigger me.

This is because PTSD doesn't work that way.

I have a suspicion that people are confusing becoming upset or angered by something as a trigger.

With someone who actually has PTSD this is annoying and it certainly doesn't help someone who actually has PTSD who has a desire for people to understand what this actually is.

I was raped and beaten repeatedly over a few months by an ex, threatened with crude weapons, locked in cupboards, stalked for almost a year when I left. I am a smart woman but once in this dynamic it is very difficult to leave out of fear for worse. The perpetrator makes sure you know this. I am a very resilient person and I was strong in the face of this. What tipped me over the edge was the people that are supposed to protect me being the health professionals (psychiatrists) and police officers telling me that I was being paranoid that this person wanted to kill me who then went on to murder my mother. The court case resulted in a hung jury and then in the second court case (just imagine going through this twice) deciding he was not guilty on the grounds of insanity. The psychiatrists in question were there in court saying he was paranoid schizophrenic after telling me I was paranoid. These people released him from the mental hospital despite my begging them not to.

PTSD reared its ugly head. PTSD is the result of being unable to make sense of events and more importantly being unable to do anything about it. Feeling helpless despite what appeared to be common obvious sense.

I had been raped before and I coped by assuring myself that it was not my fault. At this point I did not have PTSD. I was just pissed off. Similarly being harassed by guys and having sex when young with people that I regretted didn't cause me this much pain that I got PTSD.

Not everyone is as resilient as me, and its true that a lesser assault can cause PTSD. People who have experienced abuse as a child will almost certainly develop PTSD and this is terribly sad.

Back to my point. Triggers are caused by different things for different people. So a warning about content, that usually reads like a news story, is not necessarily a PTSD trigger. Sure it may be upsetting, unsettling and angering.  I have no doubt of that. Being harassed at a gig or someone acting in a sexist manner or unfairness in the workplace are frustrating and wrong, but I struggle to understand how that would be the cause of PTSD. Surely people have the strength to cope despite the injustice. Maybe I am wrong and I apologise if that is the case. I would suspect something else more sinister prior would have lead  to PTSD

PTSD triggers are unpredictable or may be related. My trigger causes a full visual of my mother being stabbed. It feels like I am there and helpless to stop it.

For me it can be as simple as seeing a knife block or seeing someone that looks like my beautiful mum, or reading someone talk about how the justice and legal system is fair and good. I can watch a TV show or movie with shootings, but I can't handle knifings. I can watch serious documentaries about rape but I can't stand anything that glorifies extreme bloody violence, or see a blood splatter even in a serious show about forensics. A cowering dog really upsets me because I retrieved the family pet from the family house shortly after my mum was brutally stabbed. I saw things that no one should ever see in that house.

People from war zones, places of extreme violence, lived a life of no safe place as a child, witnessed abuse of a family member and was powerless to do anything... These things will certainly cause PTSD. Extremely powerless situations. You lose or never had the ability to change the situation.

PTSD will cause symptoms that I know very well.

I sometimes ask people that say they have PTSD about what symptoms they have. I expect to hear certain things. I know what they are. I am dismayed by how often a person who claims to have PTSD doesn't have any of the symptoms. What they do have is anger and a feeling of being violated. This is very sad, and I hope they get the life skills to cope and get on with having a better life.

I was not diagnosed with PTSD till 4 years after my mum's death, but had it well before then, and my goal ever since has been to live a full life despite. Its not easy but it can be done to some degree. It takes a ton of motivation and its well worth it. I am proud that I have not ever been a junkie, never wanted to cut myself. I have contemplated suicide. Through this I have learned when it is worth sticking up for what I believe, and I do. I have a strong sense of justice and I am outspoken. I have dedicated my life to trying to improve the quality of my life by doing that for others.

I have had two people tell me that that "its cool" or I have "hip cred" by having the experiences I have had. I was disgusted. Its not cool and hip cred is shallow.

Tonight I hope to sleep without the same dream. Tonight I sleep in a safe loving place.